Well, it sucks to start out my first blog entry on a bad note but I feel like I can write better when I am sad or frustrated about something, and right now I am feeling both. I moved to Maryland for a few reasons, number one because this is where my boyfriend's family is and he wanted to be closer to them and number two, he was unemployed in Ohio and convinced me that im Maryland there were soooo many wonderful jobs and our lives together would be soooo much better. It started out alright I guess. We are renting a house in a trashy neighborhood just because his friends used to live accross the street (notice I say used to live accross the street). He used to work but things were still just Ok. It is hard to be five hours away from everything and everyone you ever knew, and it is hard to give that all up for one person, but I chose to. We hang out with his friends most of the time, visit his family. My life has pretty much become his. I feel sometimes like I have sort of lost myself. Needless to say, I stay here, I stay here because I love him. But my love can only go so far, honestly I feel so lost, my self-esteem and confidence has left me, I feel like I am not fun, I feel like I am not me. I work day after day and pay for everything and hang out with him and his friends and his family. He doesn't work anymore, he doesn't really have to do anything! And right now, this very day, we got into a fight because he isn't working, and he left me, he left me here, alone, with no where to go and didn't even say where he was going. I don't deserve this! But it is so hard to give up on four years, it is so hard, his friends all look at him like he is the best guy ever, and some of his qualities are great, and he is so handsome, he can go anywhere and have at least one girl check him out. But they don't know everything I do, they don't know he doesn't work and they would have to support him. They don't understand I gave up everything to be with him, and I don't think he does either.
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