Things are looking better!

Things are still looking better! I have been good on my diet so far, I have made it to the gym more often. I go tomorrow for a weight and measurement meeting so I can see what I have to look forward to taking off!! I had a great weekend, we went out with another couple in downtown Baltimore, I had fun but felt really self conscience the whole time so it gave me even more motivation to get my butt in gear. Then we went to a birthday party Saturday night and I volunteered to be DD but still had a good time watching everyone else make fools out of themselves. I hope next time to have good news about losing some weight or something!!! This pic is of me doing a pose at the party, lol.

Deep conditioning!!

Well, I am home alone for the next two nights while my boyfriend is out of town workning (thank god). I am doing my own little makeover, a deep conditioning treatment for my hair, soul, mind, and body! I have had a rough week so far and I am hoping things get better. I feel beat down on so many levels. Sunday a huge, huge fight once again with Dominick, Monday my boss bitching at me over things that are beyond my control like patient's not doing what they are supposed to, and this is my problem how? Yesterday a doctor yelled at me over the phone and hung up on me for asking for an antibiotic for a patient, I also had a very sad encounter with a man at the gas station, it was so strange and sad. It was an elderly man and it was a very cold morning, he was digging in the trashcan at the gas station collecting cans, I looked at him and he saw me so I said "hello" he proceeded to say "I know you see me doing this, do you know why" and I kid you not this is 100% true, I said "No, why" and tears started rolling down his face, he said he is doing it for a charity that helps children with heart defects and he has been doing it everyday for years, he said he had a nephew who passed away when he was 13 from an enlarged heart and he hoped that nothing like that ever happened to anyone close to me, then he apologized for crying, I said I am sure that everything that he does is greatly appreciated and he said "I am sorry, I can't talk about this anymore" He walked away and leaned on a light pole beside the street because he was crying so much he couldn't walk anymore. And this has just stuck with me so much, I don't know why, but I feel like that all happened for some crazy reason, I actually feel like everything happens for a reason. It made me feel awful!! I am here in Maryland and sometimes I feel so alone. I know I have great friends and family members who are always a call away though. But at the same time something keeps me here too. I know I am being so cynical, and I don't know why. I have so so much on my mind. I know life could be worse and I am not saying I have a bad life. I am just at a crossroad and I don't know where to go from here and it is so difficult. I don't want to make the wrong decision and I am looking for someone to help me make the right one but so far that hasn't happened just yet! Everyone has an opinion and I am glad to hear them, but at the same time, no one walks in my shoes to know everything good and bad that happens here. I am trying to approach things in a new more positive way and see how that works, but at the same time I am not going to sit back and feel like I am getting walked all over either!!

These are "the boys" that I spend most of my time with! They are OK I guess!! By the way most of that money that my wonderful boyfriend is holding was won by me playing cards but he won a little bit and is taking full advantage of it!!

This is Heather and I last weekend, for of course a boy's night at our house, our usual weekend!!

This was me by the end of the night, not sure what exactly I was doing!!

Ok, I am an awful blogger! I really neglected this and I need to do better! I have no excuses! I had a great night last night and had a lot of fun! We actually went out to a bar! I have not been out in soooooo long and it is great to mingle and even flirt a little! It is nice to see new faces and new surroundings. So here are some of the pictures, this was in a bar in Annapolis (which is such a cool but extremely expensive). I had fun and am not currently hating Maryland!! I am trying to be a more positive person and embrace life but sometimes that is hard. (Especially that time of the month, lol).

Weight

Ok now I am gonna complain about something else, ha ha ha!! My weight!! Why does it have to be an everyday constant lifetime struggle!! I get up at 5:30 am (which I don't do mornings) to go to the gym at least 3 times a week! I have done this for a few months (on and off) and have not lost a damn pound. How did I ever do it before?? Summer is coming and I am determined to do this one way or another, WATCH and see. I will have an after picture on here.... I hope!!!

Ok, my dark cloud has blown over!! I am feeling much better! I was just having a VERY rough weekend. Since then I have calmed down and we sat and had some very good meaningful talks, and I now realize once again why he was worth moving to be with in the first place. He is a great guy, he just drives me CRAZY every now and then!!!

Thirty crisis

I think finally turning 30 has affected me!! I am having a hard weekend! Last weekend was great, I was celebrating my birthday, now I am 30! My life isn't where I planned!! But I can't get down, I have a wonderful family, a great job and a boyfriend whom I still love and would one day like to marry (although he frustrates me a lot sometimes!!) Ugggghh MEN!!

I will give him this!

Well, I will give him this! He did call and apologize, and although he was planning to go to his friends house and watch a UFC fight (which sadly is a big deal to him) he decided to leave his friends and come here to "make things right with me". That makes me feel better!!

Sometimes life isn't so good!

Well, it sucks to start out my first blog entry on a bad note but I feel like I can write better when I am sad or frustrated about something, and right now I am feeling both. I moved to Maryland for a few reasons, number one because this is where my boyfriend's family is and he wanted to be closer to them and number two, he was unemployed in Ohio and convinced me that im Maryland there were soooo many wonderful jobs and our lives together would be soooo much better. It started out alright I guess. We are renting a house in a trashy neighborhood just because his friends used to live accross the street (notice I say used to live accross the street). He used to work but things were still just Ok. It is hard to be five hours away from everything and everyone you ever knew, and it is hard to give that all up for one person, but I chose to. We hang out with his friends most of the time, visit his family. My life has pretty much become his. I feel sometimes like I have sort of lost myself. Needless to say, I stay here, I stay here because I love him. But my love can only go so far, honestly I feel so lost, my self-esteem and confidence has left me, I feel like I am not fun, I feel like I am not me. I work day after day and pay for everything and hang out with him and his friends and his family. He doesn't work anymore, he doesn't really have to do anything! And right now, this very day, we got into a fight because he isn't working, and he left me, he left me here, alone, with no where to go and didn't even say where he was going. I don't deserve this! But it is so hard to give up on four years, it is so hard, his friends all look at him like he is the best guy ever, and some of his qualities are great, and he is so handsome, he can go anywhere and have at least one girl check him out. But they don't know everything I do, they don't know he doesn't work and they would have to support him. They don't understand I gave up everything to be with him, and I don't think he does either.